Tomoyo less
by cm2
Summary: What is wrong with my life? I wish it would all just go away.... What Tomoyo does when she realizes she's tired of the state of her life and what makes her change. ExT


a/n: Yes, it has been a while. No, I don't know how often I will update other stories.

**Tomoyo-less **

_--cm2--_

She opened her eyes.

She was next to the apple tree in her back yard. She could still remember the day they bought it...but that was years ago, when they were first married. There was no time for indulging in old memories anymore - too much work to do. Work over nostalgia kept other, worse feelings from showing themselves.

Eriol stepped into the yard. His gaze slid right over her and rested on something else. Turning her head, she saw a child, but not her child. No. This was someone else's child. Tomoyo walked over to look at the little one. He bore a slight resemblance to Kaho Mizuki.

She hadn't met Kaho's children before. Or was it child? She couldn't remember.

Aha. She remembered now. A few days ago, there was a phone call from Kaho asking them to take care of her son while she was in court. Oh yes. Kaho was going through a divorce, a messy one if what she heard from Eriol was accurate. Tomoyo brushed her hand through the toddler's hair. He looked up and smiled at her, or maybe it was the butterfly next to her. She had always wanted children, but she and Eriol had not been trying particularly hard. They were still young; there was still time. Like magic, the boy sprang up and ran towards Eriol when his name was called, and Eriol swept the boy up in his arms. She smiled secretly to herself, thinking of the "ifs"...

_If_ they had a child, _if _they were ok...but suddenly there were errands to run. Eriol had hired her a nice lady to help with the cleaning and chores since both of them were wrapped up in their careers. He'd even had the courtesy to make sure she was an older, matronly looking woman. Motherly, was the word he'd used. They never called her "the maid." Her name was Aya. Tomoyo needed to find Aya; today was one of the rare days that Tomoyo could accompany Aya.

Aya opened the back door of the car, and Tomoyo slid in. Something was loaded into the back seat with her, but Tomoyo didn't pay too much attention. She had a strange tickle in her chest that told her something was missing. Aya got into the driver's seat and checked her reflection in the mirror, muttering something about "the crazy witch of a boss" she had and "smoking around children." Tomoyo frowned. She had no idea what Aya meant my "smoking around children," but if that was how Aya talked about her behind her back, she needed to have a talk with her soon. As soon as she'd figured out what was bothering her.

As they drove to the supermarket, Tomoyo noticed that Aya kept muttering herself, not noticing that her boss-lady was in the back. She had learned early on that talking to Aya while Aya was commanding a car was toying with fate. There were never any car accidents. Yet. They had indeed gotten lost several times when they had conversation in the car. Tomoyo knew that when they had children, they would have to let Aya go. She couldn't be allowed to take those chances with their children.

Aya sped to the store and through the parking lot. Tomoyo found herself gasping so hard that she didn't have the chance to tell Aya, "for heaven's sake! Slow down!" As soon as they were parked, Tomoyo got out of the car and steadied herself by holding onto the trunk. Aya was out of sight by then, so Tomoyo had to search through the store.

Walking through the aisles, Tomoyo thought she saw Sakura. How odd that Sakura should be shopping for groceries in Japan. She and Syaoran lived in Hong Kong. Her brother moved to Okinawa, their father with him. She turned around to say hi. Maybe Sakura and Syaoran were moving back to Japan, and they would all be close together again. Just like the old days. Instead of finding Sakura, she found Aya. One look in Aya's cart, and she was horrified. TV dinners and cigarettes.

Tomoyo never allowed either of those items in her household. What was Aya doing? Aya didn't smoke, and if anything, Aya shared her vehement dislike for the frozen meals. Tomoyo opened her mouth to chide Aya, when she saw Sakura. Aya's mistake could wait.

"Sakura!"

Her best friend looked at her as if seeing her for the first time. There was no recognition in Sakura's expression. Tomoyo felt her steps falter just a little. True, it had been several years since they had last seen each other, but there were pictures sent back and forth. And they had spent so much time together as children. The quizzical look sent her way bit.

Sakura blinked again and raised an eyebrow. What's this? Then Sakura's face relaxed into a smile. "Why don't you go find your father," she said to the boy standing next to her. Tomoyo didn't recognize him. Surely his father couldn't be Syaoran.

"Sakura, what are you doing in Japan?"

"I live here now."

"What about Syaoran?"

"Syaoran is working in Hong Kong still."

A pained, desperate look crossed Sakura's face. "What's the matter dear?" Saved.

But, who was this? This white haired man. Not the amber-eyed Syaoran. Yuki. What was Yuki doing? Yuki? The child. Yukito the father of that child? Sakura was cheating on Syaoran. Tears welled up in Tomoyo's eyes. How could she? Sakura was supposed to be the angel, the perfect child, the perfect mother, the perfect wife. But she was commiting sin. So Sakura was mortal after all.

Yuki squinted at Tomoyo. Why was everyone looking at her like that today? Her vision became blurry, and she started to back away. Sakura called after her, but Tomoyo only ran faster. She had to find Aya. With Aya, she could cry. Aya would never tell anyone. Wasn't Aya the one she turned to when she first found out that old Sonomi Daidouji had passed? Eriol had only seen that she had all the creature comforts she wanted (he had written her a blank check and told her to go shopping) and then returned to work. Wasn't Aya the one who found out about their nastiest spats? The ones Tomoyo didn't dare tell Sakura.

Aya would understand. She always did.

Far behind her now, Sakura looked at Yukito. "Who was that?" he asked

"I don't know. She was lost. She asked about Syaoran."

"That guy from elementary school?" Sakura's eyes followed Tomoyo's retreating figure. Why did a stranger know about minutia from her life?

* * *

Not finding Aya, Tomoyo wandered into the parking lot to wait by the car. Today was such a strange day. TV dinners and cigarettes forgotten, Tomoyo jumped to help Aya when she came, but Aya had a firm grasp on the bags and relinquished none of them. She loaded the bags into the back seat, next to Tomoyo. As she closed the door, Tomoyo saw her eyes close and her lips move. Perhaps she was making sure she remembered everything. Perhaps she was whispering a prayer to whatever gods there were.

Either way, Tomoyo sat silent in the back seat. The sound of the engine put her mind into a trance like state, where she stayed until she heard the door of the garage close.

How strange that their garage looked today. Usually empty except for their cars, there was a child's tricycle today. "It's about time." The piercing voice Tomoyo only vaguely recognized as her former teacher's cut through her reverie.

Kaho Mizuki looked significantly older than the last time Tomoyo had seen her. A few extra wrinkles, bags under her eyes, and hair that was defiantly escaping the tie it was supposed to be in. The divorce definitely had turned Kaho's appearance upside down. As for her life in general, Tomoyo didn't know. It had been so long since the two had spoken. She knew that Eriol and Kaho sometimes worked together, but always over the phone, or over the internet and only on company time. Kaho was only back in town because she needed some place to stay while she got back on her feet again. She would not be staying with Eriol and Tomoyo.

Kaho snatched the grocery bags from Aya and stormed off. Aya turned her back to the door with a look of relief on her face, and Tomoyo followed Kaho to berate her for treating Aya like that. Kaho sat in their dining room and lit a cigarette. Tomoyo was overcome with nausea. Cigarette smoke had always made her feel like that. As if she had seen Tomoyo's grimace, Kaho whispered "oops" and opened the windows and turned on a fan directing air towards the outside. Still sick to her stomach, Tomoyo tried to busy herself with other small tasks but found that her mind kept drifting back to Kaho. That woman looked like she was here to stay. Tomoyo wanted to much to blame this on Eriol, but she knew that if Kaho stayed, it was as much her fault as it was her husband's.

The marriage between Tomoyo and Eriol seemed more like a verbal contract these days. Tomoyo's company was doing very well, and Eriol kept getting promoted at his advertising company. Though they knew that keeping romance in a relationship was something that needed to be worked at, they had both assumed that there would be time for it later. Always time for everything else later. Tomoyo hadn't noticed the toll their attitude had taken on their relationship until years later. Eriol forgot their anniversary one year. He hadn't remembered it since. And as much as it hurt her, she buried that emotion by working even harder.

Every once in a while, there would be talk about having a child, but they both knew that that was probably never going to happen. There were too many other things to do first.

Tomoyo sat down in her rocking chair, a gift from her mother, who always found a way to hint that she wanted grandchildren without every saying anything. As she gently rocked, letting her thought revolve around the state of her marriage, the worry began to wither away. The rocking and slight creaking of the chair was so soothing. So soothing.

Tomoyo slept. And slept. And slept. She dreamed about her latest argument wither Eriol, which turned into an argument between Kaho and Eriol. "Kaho. You're missing out on the boy's life."

"You were the one who wanted children. Not me. The deal was you take care of him. "

"I'm sure if you just spent some time with him-"

"God, Eriol. Just looking at him makes me squirm."

"Geez, not so loud. I swear, if he turns out messed up in the head, it's going to be because of you. Were you smoking again?"

"So what if I was?"

"I _told _you. If you're going to smoke, smoke outside!"

Tomoyo saw Kaho light up again and inhale deeply. When she spoke again Eriol's face was dark. "I'll smoke where ever the hell I want."

Eriol slapped the cigarette out of her hand, picked it up, and put it out.

"I hate my life," she said.

"Good, because I'm divorcing you."

"You can't do that!"

Their voiced escalated, and changed into something horrible. These were the monsters that Tomoyo had been running from in her own life. The arguments were the reason she buried herself in work. Tomoyo opened her eyes slightly, thinking about the dream. It didn't take her long to realize that there was a shouting match going on downstairs. She wrapped her arm around herself as if it gave her some sort of protection. It was strange not being the one fighting with Eriol. It was strange to hear him fighting with someone else.

Kaho was antagonizing Eriol. As she watched the drama in the dining room unfold, Tomoyo decided she wanted to slap Kaho. She wanted to tell Eriol Hiragizawa to show some backbone and kick Kaho out, but she waited. She wanted to find out what they were arguing over so that when she marched over and told Kaho to get out, she could be filled with the proper amount of self-righteousness. If anything about her dream and the argument she was watching from the shadows connected, her expression didn't show it.

She snapped back to attention. Eriol had walked over to their liquor cabinet and was pouring himself something. Probably vodka. He liked that stuff. "The way I see it Kaho," he spat out her name, "you have no choice." This started to seem like what the argument in the dream was about.

"The boy. He's mine too."

"He barely knows you."

"I'm his mother..." She said that weakly, like she knew she was losing. "You can't take this life away from me."

Eriol downed the rest of his drink. "Oh yes. Yes I can. You see my dear. You signed that paper. You signed a contract with me. Remember? That pre-nup?"

Tomoyo gasped. What was he talking about. She must still be dreaming. She pinched herself. Nope. Very awake. She had had some sort of a waking dream...

A pre-nup. She didn't sign one of those. He said he signed one with Kaho. Polygamy was definitely not legal. Wasn't he legally married to her? When they had gone to get their marraige liscence, shouldn't the nice lady have said something? Tomoyo tried to quell the sinking feeling in her stomach. Eriol must have lied to her. Was that it? Wait, maybe there was hope. There was the way Aya seemed not to notice her today. But the child, he noticed her! Eriol. His eyes. He looked right past her. That wasn't unusual. They had a fight and hadn't recovered from it yet. And Aya. Maybe she was just flustered because Kaho was around.

Sakura noticed her too. Did Yuki? She couldn't remember! She was having trouble breathing now. Her heart beat faster as the pieces of her strange, strange day fell into place.

Sakura looked at her strangely. Like...like she didn't recognize Tomoyo. Her mind was racing now. She hear herself let out a wail that Eriol should have been able to here. But Eriol didn't hear. She walked out into the room, and stood right in front of Eriol. She wanted to touch his face, to cradle him and tell him he wasn't married to Kaho, but to her! Eriol didn't see her. Tomoyo looked at Kaho. There was the woman Aya was muttering about today.

Sakura married to Yukito. Eriol married to Kaho. Aya cursing Kaho. Sakura living in Japan. Eriol not looking at her. Eriol not seeing her. Sakura married to Yukito. Eriol with Kaho...

Parts of her day swirled around in her head. Her dizzying day spinning her out of control. She was going mad. The only answer was that she was going mad.

What kind of a world was this. "Please let this be just a dream. Please." She closed her eyes, and felt a tear slip down her face.

* * *

Tomoyo opened her eyes. She saw herself arguing with Eriol. Watching herself argue with her husband, the words that they had thrown at each other came back to her in a painful flood. It was over something trivial, the argument. She had picked a fight with him over the way he took out the garbage. His eyes looked sad, like he didn't want to be arguing with her. That was the look he always had when they argued. 

And then she saw herself fall. Eriol shouted her name and caught her before she hit the ground. Tomoyo suddenly remembered the last thought she had during that argument. Hating how miserable her life with him had turned out, she blinked and wished she had never been born into this life.

She was back watching the world through her own eyes again. Eriol looked relieved that she was all right. "I could have just willed myself to die and would you have cared?" she asked, regretting the words the minute they were spoken. She bit her lip. Too often, they spoke to each other without thinking, and that was what had been happening between them. She sensed that he was putting a wall up around himself again. With amazing clarity, she saw that this was what he'd been doing all along. To stop himself from getting hurt, he withdrew from the situation.

How long had it been since she had seen some sort of real emotion out of her Eriol?

She laughed. There was no need to tell Aya to stop buying cigarettes and TV-dinners. Sakura was most likely married to Syaoran, and she was definitely still with Eriol. Everything was right again.

She sat up and pulled his arm towards her. The rest of him followed. "I saw life without you. It wasn't a good life," she whispered in his ear. He gave her a confused look. She used to and, to her surprise, still did find those looks to be charming.

"What do you mean?"

"Eriol. I'm tired of arguing all the time. I'm tired of working so much because I want to avoid arguing with you. I miss the way we used to be. Can we try to make that happen again? Can we spend more time with each other? Work less? I guess, we could even call it starting over. Can we start over with each other Eriol?"

Eriol didn't know what to say. He had not heard his wife this emotional in a very very long time and it touched him. This plea from her melted the careful barrier he had erected to protect himself from the woman he loved so much. Still, he answered tentatively, "I think we can Tomoyo."

"Maybe...maybe we can start trying to have a kid for real this time too."

He smiled. "At the moment, I'd settle for just a kiss."

a/n: thank you for reading 


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